I’ve Been My Happiest Since Having Kids, But Also My Lowest
I’ve been the happiest since I’ve had children.
I’ve also been at my lowest.
I’m a much better version of myself.
I also haven’t always liked what I’ve seen when mirrors have been held up to me.
I’ve never been in more company.
And at times never felt so lonely.
Some days I don’t want to end.
Some days I wish away, oh and the guilt from feeling that when they grow so fast.
I’ve never been so sure of who I’m meant to be.
I’ve never wondered so much who I am.
I’ve never felt closer with my husband.
But at times, I’ve never felt more distant.
I believe in myself, I trust myself.
I’ve questioned myself and doubted myself.
I always want to be better for them.
But I’ve yelled and cried and wished I’d handled certain situations better.
I’ve never loved so hard and so fiercely.
And I’ve never felt so vulnerable.
I’ve never been more broken.
And I’ve never been more complete.
I’ve never smiled so much.
I’ve never cried so much.
I’ve never craved alone time more.
But when I am I always feel like somethings missing, like an arm.
I’ve never been so excited to watch them grow.
And simultaneously wished they’d stay little forever.
Some days I feel like I’ve achieved nothing.
But as I think of them at night, I know I’ve achieved everything.
I’ve never looked forward to so much.
And I’ve also, never looked back.
It’s one beautiful contradiction.
A journey of wrong turns that are probably still right.
And dreams of the future even if you don’t get enough sleep to dream.
Exhaustion but effortless love.
The hardest and most rewarding thing ever.
This post was written by Jess Urlichs from Jess Urlichs. For more of her work, follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
And if you loved this #momlife post, you’ll want to read these:
- Dear Firstborn, It Was You That Made Me A Mother
- Right Now, I’m A Bit More Mommy Than I Am Anything Else And That’s Ok
- To My Child: I hope I have Loved You Enough Today
- To My Child: I Hope You Will Remember That Mommy Tried
- Dear Mama, Keep Doing The Things No One Sees
- To My Son: It’s OK To Be A Mama’s Boy
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Jess Urlichs is a poet and children’s book author based in New Zealand. Jess found a passion in the depths of postpartum for writing and sharing the highs and lows on early motherhood. In turn Jess published an early motherhood poetry collection which has sold over 50,000 copies worldwide and created a beautiful and honest community on Instagram and Facebook of like minded mums who are here for the messy beautiful truth of motherhood.
Jess’s books can be found here: jessicaurlichs.com/shop