I Didn’t Miss The Moments I Just Missed Saying Goodbye To Them

“Blink and you’ll miss it”, they say.

But I didn’t miss it, I was there.

I was there, placing you down to sleep on your back, elbows in line with your shoulder, hands at your ears.

I always wondered why tiny babies slept that way.

Then you rolled over and then you were sitting and now you’re jumping from the coffee table to the couch.

I was there.

Through the tears of breastfeeding

Pinching my leg or curling my toes.

I wondered if I could do this again.

Then one day we were in the kitchen I was stirring dinner and you were feeding in my other arm and I smiled.

How did we get here?

I was there.

Pacing the hallway.

Squinting my eyes shut.

Wishing the moment away.

Shattered beyond measure at the thought of another day on no sleep.

I was there as you cuddled into me.

As we surrendered to each other.

I still envelope you into my arms.

But you don’t fold into me the same and you tell me when you’re ready for your cot now.

I was there.

As they placed you on my chest.

Never more alive.

Never more terrified.

My world in my arms as I listened to those tiny squawks.

Now you’re saying things like “I don’t want to”, “I love you” or “Go ‘way Mummy”.

I don’t remember when the nights got easier, but they did.

Or when you stopped saying uggle instead of cuddle.

Or the moment I kissed those little feet and was greeted with sweat instead of your signature newborn scent.

Oh, how I know I will miss this when I look back through the rear-view mirror.

How I know, that no matter how testing, memory lane will be treelined with nostalgia.

Will I truly remember it as it was?

Or will I be trying to pin down a bubble?

When do all the becomings become going’s or gones?

“Blink and you’ll miss it”, they say.

But we don’t miss it.

We miss saying goodbye to it.

This post was written by Jess Urlichs from Jess Urlichs. For more of her work, follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

And if you loved this #momlife post, you’ll want to read these:

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